Good Morning, Students,
I thought you might want to know that I witnessed a death early this morning, while I was on-shift with hospice in the 11th hour program. I took the 3am-8am shift because I didn't have work today and knew I could sleep during the day if necessary.
The nurse came in maybe around 4am? I explained who I was, said I was on-shift until 8am. She said, I don't think you'll be here that long. And she was right. The death was very peaceful -- breathing slowed and then finally stopped. No "death rattle," nothing dramatic, just stopped. I got the nursing aid to confirm the death, which she did, and then the nurse came back from wherever she had been working.
I didn't pay attention to the time when I thought she had stopped breathing. I wanted confirmation from a professional that what seemed to have happened really did happen. I was a tiny bit surprised when the nurse asked me what time she died, which was needed for the official paperwork. I checked the time I called in to hospice and then subtracted a few minutes. I think I was responsible for the official time of death. Interesting, eh? But, obviously, who else would know better than the person who was there when the death happened?
Time of death. We mark it by the hour and the minute, but I'm not sure it is really that precise. Breathing stops, so the heart must follow soon after. But the body is still warm. If a spirit or soul leaves, when does that happen? It makes the most sense to me -- and I'm not even certain that we have spirits or even individual souls/spirits -- that the soul/psyche/anima/spirit/energy just kind of fades away. I think that's how much? most? dying must be -- just falling asleep, losing connection, fading away. Not the dramatic, fighting against death kind of dying, but the "normal," end-of-a-reasonably-long-life kind of dying. The energy source just runs out.
It feels significant to be with someone who is actively dying, but, at least for me, it doesn't feel mystical. It feels more . . . ."natural"? Not trivial by any means, but not dramatic. And not scary, either. Don't be scared about this kind of dying. Other, horrible accident, rushed-to-the-ER dying probably is very scary (we can ask Melissa to weigh in here), but not all dying is out of a movie. This is just companionship, a walking-with, holding a hand or just touching the person's arm or forehead. And then your work is done and there is a different kind of work to do by others -- washing and dressing the body, moving the body to the funeral home or wherever. Don't be scared of a body, either, in this kind of natural dying. Skin color can look different -- but someone who is alive and very sick also might have an "unnatural" skin color. Being with someone you don't know is moving, meaningful, significant and that moves me to tears, but it isn't sad the way the death of someone you know, or know well, is sad, wrenching, dizzying, and/or disorienting.
The facility was Catholic, but I'm not sure if this patient was. But how meaningful to die or be with someone dying on Good Friday, right?
It was comforting to leave in the light, to come home to furry, playful cats and have breakfast with my husband. I'm looking forward to seeing friends and family this weekend and a bright, beautiful, joyous Easter.
Peace.
Dr Cate, I am in awe of your bravery and acceptance of death. Speaking from a place of experience with traumatic chaotic death, messy comorbidity death, I wish every death would come in the way you speak of. There is something to be said for people who are informed that they will die and there as well as a place to go to to die peacefully with someone by their side. I would rather be the person by the patients side in the latter. I am so happy that you chose to do what you do. I am so relieved that there are people out there who voluntarily sit at bedside while people pass.
ReplyDeleteI agree completely with you, Melissa. Dr. Cate is very brave to do what she does. I hope that I can be as comfortable with death as you are. I haven't out a whole lot of thought into it prior to this class, but after this class I have realized and thought about how death is something that everyone should accept.
DeleteThat is incredible. I recently experienced something similar, the first time I was with a close family member just minutes after he died. I was not present when he did die though. For me, the experience wasn't as tranquil however, as even though he did die relatively quickly and we think relatively painless, it was very sudden and it was a middle of the night ER scenario. We all got the call in the middle of the night to head up to the emergency room and even today over a week since it happened, it still feels surreal and I am having a very, very difficult time believing that it actually happened. I find myself forgetting that my grandpa is actually not here anymore. Even with all the suddenness of it, there is some light. It was special having all of my closest family together that night in the ER room and we have been together every day since, laughing, crying and reminiscing about the man my grandpa was. Another reason is that there is some positives to my grandpa's passing when he did. First of all he had cancer for about 5 years and while it has been slowly improving the reality is that eventually it would have taken him and that most likely would have turned into a long and very painful process. That is important because up to and including the day he died, he was still doing nearly everything he loved to do. On top of that my grandpa was a worry wart and was always stressed that his monthly scans would be bad news, but he never had to see it. He would joke with the doctor that if the doc came into the room with the scan results with a frown on his face, then my grandpa would have known it was bad news. He never had to see frown, only a smile.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear of your recent loss Nate.
DeleteI'm sorry about your loss Nate.
DeleteI'm so sorry Nate.
DeleteI too am sorry to hear about your sudden loss Nate
DeleteI completely agree with Melissa. Doing what you do Dr. Cate is really brave and I admire you for sitting with people who have nobody to be with them when they pass. It is so comforting to know that there are people like you out there that do this sort of thing.
ReplyDeleteI like the point you made about death feeling "natural." For many people, death becomes this almost surreal experience because of the uncertainty and fear that can surround. However, it is a process that everyone goes through and will experience in more ways than one. It just.. happens. And, if more people had your bravery and acceptance then maybe death would lose some of its negative connotation and become an accepted part of life. I'm not saying death isn't difficult, because it is. I'm just saying it wouldn't be such a traumatic experience if more people had your outlook.
ReplyDeleteI agree Death is a surreal experience because we are so used to what we have experienced and have acclimated to. Death is a completely unknown experience for most. It can come quickly or slowly but it always happens no matter what the circumstances are. Honestly Dr. Cate i admirer you for be able to sit with someone who is knocking on death doors. I would not emotionally be able to handle and sit there while someone was dying right beside me. Everyone despite what they may or may not have done in their lives deserve someone to be there. Human dignity is very fragile there are those who say i want to die alone, but i feel this goes against innate ability as social creature. In society we are socialized into knowing that interacting with others and having them by your side is a good thing.
DeleteI think the aspect of this that seems so jarring is the fact that a death can be peaceful, without a dramatic component to it. For ourselves in the cultural experience we have, death is by its nature a dramatic incident. We frame in all our media the cessation of an individual's living as one of the most important thematic moments in a story or show. Climactic moments are built around deaths, and the energy of those moments seems to be attached to them.
ReplyDeleteI think the oddest thing about it is that a rather unintended side effect of this is that death has become something that only happens in extraordinary circumstances in our media, not a regular event in the life of every person.
Totally agree with you here. We do tend to associate death with ridiculously climactic moments... which saddens me. Death is dramatic all by itself. It is, after all, the end. But dramatic doesn't have to mean that it's Shakespearean. And attaching so much nonsense to it actually undermines the event itself. In our effort to find meaning in everything, we have glazed over the true meaning of the event itself.
DeleteIn my experience, death has been chaotic and dramatic. I agree that people tend to make things out bigger than what they really are and shouldn't. Death is a very dramatic incident by nature because it happens suddenly and tears most families to shreds. In shakes even the very foundations of what they believe. Death is a natural part of life but the media does seem to exaggerate it way out of proportion.
DeleteWow. I am glad that you posted this experience that you had Dr. Cate. Doing something like this is really brave and takes a lot of courage to do. Having grandparents that are pretty old makes me realize how lucky we are to have people that are willing to do something like this if that is what they need.
ReplyDeleteThis is really amazing to me. Not only because of the fact that you were able to be with someone as they died but also because of the way they passed on. As you described it was not dramatic or an extremely emotional experience but they simply faded away like they were just too tired to carry on. I have heard other people describe it in the same way and I am still somewhat in awe of the fact that for many people this is the way they are most likely to die, in the company of a loved one or even a perfect stranger.
ReplyDeleteDr. Cate, what you do is truly amazing. Even though you mentioned the person was unresponsive, they still probably felt your presence and it was comforting to them. Knowing that a complete stranger was willing to come and sit with them in their final hours probably provided the peace they needed to pass on. Sometimes it might be easier for a person to "let go" and pass away while a complete stranger is there (whether this actually happens or not I'm not sure) knowing that they will not have family members there who are maybe not as comfortable with the situation and whose reaction to the situation might not be as yours was.
ReplyDeleteReading this was powerful and moving, and thought-provoking as well. What struck me the most was when you described the way the patient passed on: slowly, peacefully, and quietly. It was eerily similar to what I remember from being in the room with my grandmother when she died. I was around 15 years old, and to this day I still am not sure exactly when she "died". Her breathing became slower and less pronounced while my family and I were gathered around simply comforting each other. Eventually, all I remember was the nurse silently shaking her head as if to say "No". It was different than any death I had seen in a movie or on television- It was naive of me to think they were accurate representations of death, but experiencing the real thing still seems surreal. I will never forget that day as long as I live. It made me think about death in a way I never though my 15 year old self would. If I had to choose a way to go out though, this would be it- leaving in relative comfort surrounded by family.
ReplyDeleteI really like the point brought up about movie deaths. Hollywood really likes to dramatize any and every death and while sometimes they use it to emphasize points or acts of heroism it does give us a very false reality of how death is. I also agree with you in that I think most people would want to go peacefully surrounded by family. A thought to counter my Hollywood comment, while they do over dramatize the heroic battle type death it is important to remember that certain cultures especially in older times viewed this type of death to be the most honorable. So is Hollywood that far off?
DeleteThat's a good counter-point Nate, I hadn't really thought of it that way. Views of death really do differ drastically from culture to culture. Even more than that, however, I think they vary from person to person. A soldier serving in the armed forces might view self-sacrifice to save fellow soldiers or civilians to be the highest honor and service they can give to their country, while another person may be absolutely terrified of dying any way other than in a bed with the ones they love next to them. Death is a tricky and subjective topic to talk about, but I think talking about it is the first step to accepting it.
ReplyDelete