I always knew I’d die, without knowing when. But now I
knew it acutely.
26Jan14
http://hereandnow.wbur.org/2014/01/22/michigan-nurses-iran
An organ donation from a brain-dead Iranian woman, whose family in Iran teaches the U.S. medical staff something new and profound.
David Brooks (NYTimes) essay on Presence
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/21/opinion/brooks-the-art-of-presence.html?ref=davidbrooks&_r=0
What experience have you had with sitting with someone who has suffered a difficult situation? Did you feel uncomfortable? Were there others who handled the situation better? What would you do differently now?
A few years ago my brother was hospitalized for nearly three months after a traumatic accident which required about seven surgeries. During this time my parents were constantly by his side, there whenever he needed them despite the fact that he was only awake for a few hours of the day. Through this I learned that because my brother was not truly aware of his surroundings for a time it was more about being there for my mom and dad. I did not feel uncomfortable in the situation because it was my parents and I know their personalities very well. I however can be very emotional so sometimes when it came to my mom I think I did more hurt than help because she is the same way. My sister was better in situations like this because she is more of a strong silent presence that can hold in her emotions. One part of David Brooks article I found helpful that I would have changed in this would have been to try and make sense out of the situation. At the time I was more concerned with questioning if my brother deserved what he was going through rather than looking at the positives of the future.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you had to go through that Abby.
DeleteAbby i also am truly sorry you had to go through a situation such as that, but i have been through some similar rough spots in my life and i had no idea how i should react or even say at that time. I agree that making better sense out of the situation definitely would have helped promote a better overall understanding of what was going on at the time.
DeleteAlthough I've never been in a situation quite as extreme as the one Brooks outlines in his essay, I do wholeheartedly agree with the importance of just being there for someone who is going through a tough situation. Often times, in these situations, your presence and touch is more powerful than any word that can be spoken. The fact that the person who is suffering knows they have someone to fall back on and to talk is the greatest gift you can give them. You may never know the uniqueness of the pain they are going through, but your presence can comfort that pain as much as possible.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you there. I have had many deaths happen whether it be someone in my family or just a relatively of a close friend. Just simply being there for moral support can be more helpful than trying to talk to that person. Many people have thanked me for just showing up and letting them know that i am here whenever you want to talk. Showing that you care can truly have an amazing impact in that moment itself. Love and care for someone can be the greatest gift that you can give them and sometimes that's all it takes. All you can do is hope for the best and pray things will get easier with time.
DeleteMy grandparents passed away while I was in high school. At the time it was very difficult for our family since we lived 4 hours away. We were always gone for long weekends and me and my siblings had to miss a lot of school. Because I wasn't extremely close to my grandparents I could tell that my parents were very distressed. We would constantly spend long hours just sitting in the hospital room with them. At first it was very uncomfortable for me until I realized that the point of us being there was not to talk or make distracting conversation but to just simply be together. After realizing this it was much easier me to be around for my family and especially my parents.
ReplyDeleteI have not been in an extremely difficult situation, but last August my grandma was in the hospital with double phenomena and was not breathing on her own. This was most difficult for me because of how my mom had to react. Seeing my mom upset was the hardest thing. It made me realize that although my grandma was in a hospital three hours away, I needed to drive there to be with my mom. I did not feel uncomfortable in the situation because I was with my family. Being with my family made me realize that there was no reason for me to feel that way and because we were all together, that meant a lot. I feel like I was able to handle the situation much better than some of my family. Being the youngest one there made it a little bit easier for me. Her sisters and people she lives near were a little more shaken my the possibility of her not making it. I would not change anything from what I did. I feel that going to the hospital to be with my grandma meant a lot to myself, as well as my family.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was 9 years old my mom stepped on the running board of a fully loaded horse trailer with my friend's mom while the trailer was moving slowly. Unfortunately my mom slipped off the trailer and her knee and foot was run over multiple times. My mom was rushed away in an ambulance and I was forced to stay at horse camp for the week without any contact with my mom and dad, only hearing what others parents had to say or had heard about the situation. My mom remained in the hospital for over a month having countless surgeries and is missing part of her foot but is able to walk normally and resume most activities. I was only allowed to visit with my mom a handful of times during that month because I believe my parents and family thought that's what was best for me. My dad did not leave my mom's side the entire hospital stay and her parents came to the hospital for a couple hours every day. When I was able to visit I felt very uncomfortable because I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I didn't know that sitting silently would have helped more than trying to talk to my mom who was in a lot of pain and just wanted to sleep. If this situation were to have happened now, I think my family would have handled it differently. My brother and I would not spend the entire month away from our mom, in fact, I think we would both have to be forced to leave the hospital room every night. We would understand that silence and just being there for not only our mom but our dad is very important. Also, I spent a lot of time wondering why it had to be my mom who slipped off the running board of the horse trailer and why my friend's mom was fine, but after reading Brooks' article I realize I spent too much time wondering why and focusing on what she wasn't able to do instead of focusing on what she was still able to do.
ReplyDeleteI am sitting in the Neuro Intensive Care Unit at University Hospital with my mother right now. She had a seizure yesterday, which was eventually diagnosed as an inter cranial hemorrhagic stroke. She isn't doing well. I think under the circumstances my step father and I are the perfect people to be here keeping an eye on her and being her advocate. I understand all the medical lingo and my step dad is loving her through all this, sleeping in a horribly uncomfortable chair. I think we are handling the situation well. I think my brothers and sisters would freak out and have no idea what to do so I told them to stay home until she's more stable. This sucks, but what can you do but hope it gets better.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to read this about your mother. My thoughts are with you and your family for a speedy recovery. *Big Hug*
DeleteThank you April. The good news is she's stable. The bad news is she is now a "special" case. She has an atypical bleed. (would be my mom, of course) She is being monitored for changes, good or bad for the next week. If she remains stable she will go to rehab. If her ICP (inter cranial pressure) increases she could have another stroke. Scary stuff. Funny thing is even though she's my mom, the doctors still involved me in her care plan assuring me exactly what they would be doing. It was nice to be thought of as not just a family member but a colleague. It helped set aside the emotional aspect of it. However, when I sat with her yesterday and last night painting her toenails and brushing her hair, the emotional part of me came out. I'm glad I can separate the two.
DeleteMy sister was pregnant. She developed preeclampsia over night. The next day her husband took her to her doctor, who immediately sent her to the hospital. The doctors at University decided to take her for a C-Section, which quickly turned into an emergency C-Section. I was pregnant and was told not to go to the hospital and wait for her to wake up until they were sure that my nephew was as stable as an eight week premie could be. That was the hardest part of that day for me. I have always been close to my sister and being told to stay at work without getting updates as regularly as I wanted/needed to killed me. Seven hours later I was at the hospital sitting with my brother in law. It was weird because the two of us have a very strained relationship but we were both so scared to lose my sister and my new nephew. No one had been able to see either of them yet. It was uncomfortable but comforting at the same time knowing that even with our disagreements, we could and would come together when it was needed. She was still out of it from the medicines she was given and I was the first one to show her a picture of her son. I did not want to leave her but I literally felt sick when I was visiting my nephew in the PICU. He weighed 1 lbs 6 oz. I guess it made me scared because our sons were originally supposed to be five weeks apart. Thankfully my sister and nephew are both fine and he is a chubby thing now, only out weighing my son by 1 pound. I will never go through that again and if she tries to make me, it will be a fight. :)
ReplyDeleteas horrible as such an ordeal was, im glad that everything turned out alright. as a new uncle to two little tykes who had complications at birth i know how scary it can be to sit in the waiting room with the seconds slowly ticking by. congragulations!
DeleteWhen my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer, and the doctors said that there was nothing else they could do, my mom and her siblings moved her to Hospice. A couple weeks into her stay she became incoherent, to where she would say something completely different then what we were talking about, and my parents told us to just go along with it. It was a little uncomfortable mostly because it felt horrible what she was going through and all we could do is nod and go with it. My mother and uncle took is easier than my aunt did because they mentally prepared for it and accepted it, as where my aunt did not. Looking back the thing I would of done differently is that I would have tried to get more time to sit with her, and just be around her, and tell her how much we all loved her.
ReplyDeleteI have never been through something as major as what was covered in the story. The incident that I could most relate to the story would be watching my grandmother become unresponsive for a short period of time. For some reason her heart went off rhythm causing her to go into a state of unresponsiveness. I can say I did not handle the situation well at all. My grandma regained awareness to me crying by her side which probably scared her more than anything. My aunt, being a nurse handle the situation very well. She was taking her pulse and making sure everything was alright while calming everyone else down. I dont know if I would do anything differently now, my grandma is the most important person in the world to me and anythime something happens to here it scares me to death.
ReplyDeleteMy aunt was by far the strongest person i ever met. she was supposed to die at the age of twelve from a tumor in her leg, but miracle above miracles, she lived to be 41. she victoriously fought off cancer two more times in her breast, and she fought with a determination and power i never saw in anyone before. she was invincible. then, in the summer of 2009, she broke. it turned out that there was a tumor growing in her brain that the doctors must've overlooked. the woman who was once unstoppable was curled in a ball in the corner of the basement, clutching her head and begging for the pain to stop between sobs. i was in total shock; i never saw her cry before. but i knew that she would bounce back to her usual confident self: this was just a small bump in the road, another contender who challenged her to a brawl in the boxing cage, right? i was certain she would come out on top in the end.
ReplyDeleteIt turned out the cancer was at a terminal stage. each day both her mind and her body grew a little weaker. my family was always there for her in any way we could, but all we could do was make her smile until the bitter end. we made her last christmas absolutely unforgettable for her when she was given an robotic leg to replace the one she lost when she was a teenager. for the first time in almost thirty years she could stand without her crutches. "Look everyone, two feet," she said in awe, her eyes glistening with joyful tears.
it wasn't until that coming February that her suffering had ended. we miss her to this day, but in a way we are happy that we did everything we could to make each day worth treasuring for her.
I sat with one of my good friends when she was going through a hard time at home. Her difficult situation was that her father had killed someone in self defense and now he was in prison. I did feel very uncomfortable in that i was not sure what to say or how to really comfort her because I did not completely understand what she was going through. We joined a group at school that was like a counseling group. She was able to talk to a professional that helped her and taught her how to coup. The only thing i would have tried to change was me not knowing exactly what to say to help her more.
ReplyDeleteIn grade school, I remember my grandmother on my father's side passing away due to cancer. I had previously had a great grandfather on my mother's side for the same reason, and while I was distressed at the dying itself, the death itself seemed almost a relief at the time. I had expected the same with my grandmother, but we got to see her before she passed, and she was delirious at the time.
ReplyDeleteAfter that, the idea of death doesn't particularly bother me. Neither, oddly, does the idea of comas or vegetative states. However, this sort of inbetween state where your mind has started shutting down, but isn't quite there yet, and your consciousness remains somewhere between what it used to be and death, genuinely bothers me to some degree.
I think that experience made me more comfortable with the idea of a person passing away than with the idea of who a person was crumbling away before they ever died. I attach more value to one's identity and personhood than one's life, I think.
In grade school, my dad had a cardiac arrest which cut the blood flow to his brain and put him in a coma for a week or so. he was put on a respirator and my mom and I were given the option of taking him off but we didn't. After a week he woke up and was attentive but he did suffer some brain damage. He bounced from nursing home to nursing home for a few months for rehabilitation before we agreed to bring him home and take care of him ourselves. After two years of caring for him, between my mom and I, he suffered another cardiac arrest and passed away.
ReplyDeleteIt was very difficult to see my dad in such a fragile state and having to take care of him like that. I honestly would not change a single thing about caring for him. I got to spend another 2 years with him that I would have been cut short of if we did take him off the respirator too soon and let him die.
Thought this was interesting to share.
ReplyDeletehttp://globalnews.ca/news/1125347/pregnant-and-brain-dead-victoria-b-c-woman-kept-alive-until-baby-can-be-born/
They delivered the baby, here is the story: http://www.cnn.com/2014/02/11/health/canada-brain-dead-pregnant-woman/
DeleteThis sounds odd. But, my whole life, I've been the person that other people have gone to when they have a problem, need help, or there is some sort of an emergency. I've sat with people and through a variety of situations. Some have turned out better than others. A friend of mine almost died from a case of meningitis. I could only sit with her family for a few hours before I completely lost my grip and had to leave. I left because I knew it wasn't about me and they should be focused on her. (But bless them, they still offered to pray for me anyway.)
ReplyDeleteThen in other situations, I've been totally fine. A different friend of my was raped and I was her first phone call. I showed up, took charge, and helped deal with the police. But having someone there for her visibly relaxed her. In a different, more long-term situation, I was the person who ended up spending a great deal of time with my Alzheimer's effected grandfather during my senior year of high school. I never knew who I was getting when I visited and I never knew who he thought I was going to be. (Sometimes I was my mom and other times a stranger.) But even through that, he also visibly relaxed when I was around (even if I was a stranger).
It's very hard to just be available for people when they're struggling through these types of situations. We always try to identify, and, in the process, end up making it about ourselves (for the most part unintentionally). People who are suffering don't need us to offer them some mystical wisdom which will make everything better; they just need the company.
When I was in grade school my grandma was diagnosed with mouth cancer. My mom and I would go with my grandma to her chemo often and I felt very uncomfortable being their. It was hard to see my grandma so weak, she was a totally different person. It was also weird seeing my mom so depressed I had never seen her in that kind of state. It was then I realized why she would always want me to go with her and that was so I could comfort her.
ReplyDeleteWhen i was about 9 my mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was honestly the most scariest moment of my life because i thought i was going to lose my mom forever. At that point in time i felt uncomfortable because i had not idea how to act because i was not used to my mom being so debilitated before. She was bed ridden for months not able to walk hardly at all. I had to help take care of her when my family was not around and it was extremely emotional because i was so young. I don't think any other person in my family handled the situation any better than i did because they to had never seen my mom in that condition before. Be completely helpless having to have everyone help her. She was the kind of woman who did almost everything herself because she would want to make sure it was done the correct way. Honestly if that ever happened again i would have the same reaction when i was 9. I would try and make her comfortable as best as i could getting her what she needed talking with her and treating her as she would want to be treated. I love my mom and would do anything to make sure is happy.
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